Belief
Two of my favorite songs have very similar lines in them. The first is by Switchfoot, and I can't remember the title, but it's off the New Way to be Human album. The line says this: "Oh, I'm a believer; help me believe." The second is by Andrew Peterson, and I also can't remember the title of this one off the top of my head, but it's off the Clear to Venus album. The line from that one says this: "Hope is hard to hold to. Lord, I believe, only help my unbelief."
I feel that these two lines do a good job of summarizing my belief in God. I believe, but I don't. I need help believing. After reading Anne Lamott's Blue Shoe this week, I feel much like the story she uses to illustrate our need for a tangible God. She tells the story of someone who tells their daughter not to be afraid because God will take care of her. The daughter replies, "I need someone with skin on."
I don't want to be Thomas, but there are times when only a physical presence is good enough to comfort us. At these times, I find it very difficult to believe in God.
So why do I continue to do so? I've said that I never really liked God, and now I'm saying that I am a believer with a lot of unbelief. What's holding me to this religion?
This is a very interesting question. I suppose the truth is that I've felt His "presence" one too many times to completely write Him off. For instance, once when I was still in high school, I was weeping in bed about something. I was praying at the same time, and finally, I decided that I'd had enough. I said, "God, you promised you'd send angels to comfort us. Well, where are your angels now?" Instantly, a light went on inside my head, and I stopped crying. To this day, I can't remember what I was crying about, and if I try to think about it, all I can remember is the light and calm that filled me. I don't think it was real physical light, but it was there behind my eyes nonetheless. Almost immediately, I went to sleep.
Sometimes, when I'm between dreaming and completely awake, I hear music. I hear thousands on thousands of voices filling in harmonies that I've never heard before. Sometimes, they're singing "Hallelujah" and others, just "ah," but it is the most beautiful music I've ever heard. If I were a composer, I would be a rich woman. There are so many voices and more parts than I've ever heard before, which gives the harmony a rich texture, but the voices are so light that I can just feel the joy in them.
Starting when I was about 10, I knew I should be baptised. Everytime there was a baptismal in church, I would dread it and end up crying and embarrassed because I knew in my heart that this was the next step, and I wasn't taking it. When I was 12, I finally gave in. The day of my baptism, we got a phone call from the church. The power was out, so the water was extremely cold, and they were thinking about cancelling it. What did I think? And I knew that if I didn't do it then, I would go through another two years of chickening out and misery. I agreed to do it. Everybody prayed that the power would come back on. It didn't. I was baptised by candle-light in a vat of ice cold water. The power came on almost immediately after the service was over. Maybe this didn't mean anything, but to me, it meant that someone or something really was working hard to keep me from being baptised. I'll probably never know why, but I've never forgotten the experience.
And I guess the last thing that keeps me believing is that something always pulls me back. I've never wanted to take any of the major steps of faith, and something always demands that I do so anyway. If I don't, I always regret it. Not that I think I'm being punished or anything, it's just that the choices I make to avoid doing the thing I feel I'm supposed to do are usually bad ones. Somedays, just the fact that I'm alive to keep a blog is a definite miracle to me. I know I never would have made it if something bigger than myself wasn't sustaining me. Some people call this our animal survival instincts, but I don't think so. All I have to prove this are my feelings, which aren't much, but my feelings tell me that I didn't get where I am under my own power.
So all I have to keep me in the faith are a bunch of voodoo stories and emotional responses. Can I prove any of these things to be more than figments of my imagination? Nope. So how do I know that there's a God? I don't know. Nobody does. But I believe there is one. I believe that He exists and carries me through when I don't even realize He's doing it. I believe.
I feel that these two lines do a good job of summarizing my belief in God. I believe, but I don't. I need help believing. After reading Anne Lamott's Blue Shoe this week, I feel much like the story she uses to illustrate our need for a tangible God. She tells the story of someone who tells their daughter not to be afraid because God will take care of her. The daughter replies, "I need someone with skin on."
I don't want to be Thomas, but there are times when only a physical presence is good enough to comfort us. At these times, I find it very difficult to believe in God.
So why do I continue to do so? I've said that I never really liked God, and now I'm saying that I am a believer with a lot of unbelief. What's holding me to this religion?
This is a very interesting question. I suppose the truth is that I've felt His "presence" one too many times to completely write Him off. For instance, once when I was still in high school, I was weeping in bed about something. I was praying at the same time, and finally, I decided that I'd had enough. I said, "God, you promised you'd send angels to comfort us. Well, where are your angels now?" Instantly, a light went on inside my head, and I stopped crying. To this day, I can't remember what I was crying about, and if I try to think about it, all I can remember is the light and calm that filled me. I don't think it was real physical light, but it was there behind my eyes nonetheless. Almost immediately, I went to sleep.
Sometimes, when I'm between dreaming and completely awake, I hear music. I hear thousands on thousands of voices filling in harmonies that I've never heard before. Sometimes, they're singing "Hallelujah" and others, just "ah," but it is the most beautiful music I've ever heard. If I were a composer, I would be a rich woman. There are so many voices and more parts than I've ever heard before, which gives the harmony a rich texture, but the voices are so light that I can just feel the joy in them.
Starting when I was about 10, I knew I should be baptised. Everytime there was a baptismal in church, I would dread it and end up crying and embarrassed because I knew in my heart that this was the next step, and I wasn't taking it. When I was 12, I finally gave in. The day of my baptism, we got a phone call from the church. The power was out, so the water was extremely cold, and they were thinking about cancelling it. What did I think? And I knew that if I didn't do it then, I would go through another two years of chickening out and misery. I agreed to do it. Everybody prayed that the power would come back on. It didn't. I was baptised by candle-light in a vat of ice cold water. The power came on almost immediately after the service was over. Maybe this didn't mean anything, but to me, it meant that someone or something really was working hard to keep me from being baptised. I'll probably never know why, but I've never forgotten the experience.
And I guess the last thing that keeps me believing is that something always pulls me back. I've never wanted to take any of the major steps of faith, and something always demands that I do so anyway. If I don't, I always regret it. Not that I think I'm being punished or anything, it's just that the choices I make to avoid doing the thing I feel I'm supposed to do are usually bad ones. Somedays, just the fact that I'm alive to keep a blog is a definite miracle to me. I know I never would have made it if something bigger than myself wasn't sustaining me. Some people call this our animal survival instincts, but I don't think so. All I have to prove this are my feelings, which aren't much, but my feelings tell me that I didn't get where I am under my own power.
So all I have to keep me in the faith are a bunch of voodoo stories and emotional responses. Can I prove any of these things to be more than figments of my imagination? Nope. So how do I know that there's a God? I don't know. Nobody does. But I believe there is one. I believe that He exists and carries me through when I don't even realize He's doing it. I believe.
posted by GetMeThrough at
12:26 PM
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