Get Me Through

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Pieces

I think one of the hardest things about coming to terms with Christianity, and in particular, Jesus, is that I have spent the last ten years learning that no one can really save me. I used to think that if I found the right friends or the right man or the right drugs or the right therapy, then they would push the magic button inside me and make me well. It took a long time for me to realize that that's just false. No one knows the answers, so they can't make you well. You have to make yourself well.

And getting well takes a long, long time. I used to be terrified of what people would say if they found out that I took anti-depressants for my anxiety. Now I don't care what people think. I know what I'm like without them--ten times worse. I remember coming home and lying on the floor with my arms spread out, staring at the ceiling because my heart ached too much to get up. I remember crying and lying there as stiff as a board. I remember staying up until three in the morning drinking huge glasses of rum and coke. I remember many things that would not be better now if I had not started taking anti-depressants.

The other thing I've found about my religion (and it makes makes me sad) is that nobody really wants to see or deal with broken people. This is mostly because they think that Jesus is like a sticker to a six year old--a one-stop shot of get well instantaneously. They think that wounds are kind of like skinned knees, not realizing that some wounds were nearly fatal. A lot of Christians want people to come in a box like Barbie. They think that all the pieces should be included, and if you don't have all your pieces, then clearly you are the cousin nobody likes who loses every nice thing she ever got, and no one should play with you. After all, you might lose their pieces, too. You might break them by association.

The truth is that we come broken. We come in pieces, and we have to learn to put ourselves together. Anyone who thinks there is no assembly required on a human life is fooling themselves. We come broken, and time breaks us even more. It teaches us to be hard and strong or it tears us apart. Worse still, all the pieces are sold seperately. We don't even come in one single box. Sometimes there are even extras. A human life is a horrible puzzle to assemble.

I've stopped going to church again. More and more, I find that there's nothing for me there. There's a lot of judgement for the person I am, but the person I am took a lot of breaking and putting back together. And I might be a mess, but at least I am a mess that I can say I came by honestly. At least I can face up to the fact that I am a mess. I'm tired of starting over in new churches, and I'm tired of going there and pretending I feel bad about things that I don't feel bad about. I'm tired of pretending I feel happy about things I don't feel happy about.

I'm in pieces more often than I'm together. That's the way I came. If Someone wanted it to be different, He should have built me that way at the factory.

3 Comments:

  • word.


    the past 5 years (and arguably the 4 previous to that) i've spent rolling with the issue of attending church. i feel exactly the same way about it, hon.

    an old co-worker is very active in her church (it's an anglican church - very different from what i'm used to) and she's encouraged me to attend with her on a few occasions. i thought about it but i always refused, feeling guilty. now i look back and see that the reasons she was excited about attending are the reasons i dont like attending.

    so i am stuck again. full circle thought process.... most of the time i am able to ignore that silent nagging in my head. i just dont know what the future will bring for this piece of my life's puzzle.

    By Blogger dr gonzo, at 9:43 AM  

  • "no one wants to deal with broken people" etc. is simply false. If you think that, you haven't been asking the right people, and you certainly haven't been asking Jesus.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:33 AM  

  • Well, "nobody" is probably an unfair over-generalization on my part. I guess I'm just tired of feeling like an outcast in a place where I should belong.

    Many Christians seem to do a lot of lip service towards the idea of dealing with broken people without actually spending any time with broken people. The broken people are almost always a mission to be undertaken "out there" while the rest of "us" are "in here."

    As to the second half of your comment, I guess the purpose of this blog is to be completely honest about how I feel about my faith (or lack thereof) on any given day. I am sorry that my feelings offended you, but they are my honest feelings.

    By Blogger GetMeThrough, at 9:53 PM  

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