What's So Scarey about Being Adored?
I once clipped this line out of a magazine and passed it along to a friend. I never realized until, oh, probably today that not everybody finds being adored scarey.
My church has been talking about the Song of Solomon off and on for about the last two years. At least. And I always said that I wasn't sure I wanted God thinking about me that way. Lately, I did what He told me, and good things have been coming my way. I have to admit, though, that there's a little piece of me that is looking around with one hand on the loot and the other on the door, asking suspiciously, "What do you want?"
My friend tells me that I have to get over this not wanting to be loved by the all loving God. I say that it isn't just God that I'm afraid of these days.
The truth is that letting God love you is even scarier than letting other people love you, which is scarey enough. As soon as you let somebody love you, then you also have to love them. This applies to any kind of love--romantic or otherwise. Sooner or later, those people depend on you, but even worse, you depend on them. Then you find out that you need each other. What happens if they turn out not to need you as much as you need them? Then you get left by the side of the road.
The truth is that I have always resented God's love. How dare He? I never asked Him to love me. Furthermore, I resent it when guys start to love me more than I love them. I hate it when they want to spend every evening around me, and I hate hate hate it when they want a committment before I'm ready. I like my freedom. Anytime my friends want more information or time or attention than I'm ready to give, I become highly suspicious and agitated. I am a terrible person to love.
And the truth is that you are never completely free once you love someone and someone loves you. You might be able to pretend you are, but you aren't. They begin to want you to change, and you begin to want to change for them and they begin to change for you, and suddenly who you were is just gone. And what happens when that person stops loving you? What happens if they leave you?
I think that's what I worry about with God. He will always want a little more from me, and when He gets it, He will want a little more again. And what happens if He decides that I'm not giving all that He wants? What happens when He gets tired of me and leaves? Then do I go to Hell?
The problem with all of this is, of course, my heart (like usual). My heart doesn't want to be alone. My heart enjoys other people and wants to open up to them. My heart believes that God is loving and wants to give me good things.
Yet, the rest of me is terribly, terribly afraid of being adored.
My church has been talking about the Song of Solomon off and on for about the last two years. At least. And I always said that I wasn't sure I wanted God thinking about me that way. Lately, I did what He told me, and good things have been coming my way. I have to admit, though, that there's a little piece of me that is looking around with one hand on the loot and the other on the door, asking suspiciously, "What do you want?"
My friend tells me that I have to get over this not wanting to be loved by the all loving God. I say that it isn't just God that I'm afraid of these days.
The truth is that letting God love you is even scarier than letting other people love you, which is scarey enough. As soon as you let somebody love you, then you also have to love them. This applies to any kind of love--romantic or otherwise. Sooner or later, those people depend on you, but even worse, you depend on them. Then you find out that you need each other. What happens if they turn out not to need you as much as you need them? Then you get left by the side of the road.
The truth is that I have always resented God's love. How dare He? I never asked Him to love me. Furthermore, I resent it when guys start to love me more than I love them. I hate it when they want to spend every evening around me, and I hate hate hate it when they want a committment before I'm ready. I like my freedom. Anytime my friends want more information or time or attention than I'm ready to give, I become highly suspicious and agitated. I am a terrible person to love.
And the truth is that you are never completely free once you love someone and someone loves you. You might be able to pretend you are, but you aren't. They begin to want you to change, and you begin to want to change for them and they begin to change for you, and suddenly who you were is just gone. And what happens when that person stops loving you? What happens if they leave you?
I think that's what I worry about with God. He will always want a little more from me, and when He gets it, He will want a little more again. And what happens if He decides that I'm not giving all that He wants? What happens when He gets tired of me and leaves? Then do I go to Hell?
The problem with all of this is, of course, my heart (like usual). My heart doesn't want to be alone. My heart enjoys other people and wants to open up to them. My heart believes that God is loving and wants to give me good things.
Yet, the rest of me is terribly, terribly afraid of being adored.
posted by GetMeThrough at
3:43 PM
4 Comments:
this is a toughie.
i thought about this for a while... and when you love someone, and they love you back, you are right, change happens. but not in the conventional way of "change"... the change that happens is more of a transformation of the soul. fitting yourselves together in each other's lives.
not, as conventionality and MTV have us think, changing your hairdo, job, time management, methods of housekeeping, movie-watching etc etc.
God only wants your soul. and i guess, naturally, your body would follow, right? but i see how that doesnt happen. and i can feel the guilt when i get something that i know was given to me by His grace.
i think my faith is opposite yours - i rely on God's unending love. too much so. so i'm a total slacker when it comes to loving Him back. at least, i feel like one.
to God, i must be the bad roomie who he invited in b/c we get along so darn well. but after i moved in, my shite ended up everywhere and i rarely do the dishes, and i leave my stinky socks in the living room. but i wonder... even if he gets mad at me for that, he still loves me, right? so occasinally, when i pitch in and scrub the tub, does it make everything worthwhile?
By
dr gonzo, at 11:56 AM
Dr. G-- actually, we sound very similar. I am the bad roomie, too.
I guess what I mean is that, in the real world, I know I'm a slob, so I got my own apartment, so I could hang out there solo and be a slob. But then God wants to move in and then He wants to clean up my shit and then He wants me to keep the place clean when in all honesty, I would rather sit around and watch TV. And it's my damn apartment, you know? So maybe you are right and we are opposite in some ways... I don't know.
I know what you mean about guilt, and I like your ideas about change.
By
GetMeThrough, at 8:12 AM
i dont really understand when people say "god is telling me to do this". i have a lot of faith. it has fluctuated over the years, but i'd like to say that most of the time i'm aware of god's voice. only like, once or twice did i feel god was trying to get me to "clean up" or "change". and those were pretty vague gestures at that. one was when i decided that i was supposed to go to Bethel. that wasnt really my decision at all. i just sort of followed along, clutching to faith.
i dunno... what does it mean to see that god wants you to "clean up"? i like my life. i think god does too. i deserve a few beers a week. a few disfunctional relationships. swearing gratuitously. and being nice to other people along the way. i've always felt this way - that if i'm good enough for me, i'm good enough for god.
heh, i guess is should clarify... i love the idea of fate and serendipity but i hate the idea of predestination. i hope that the feathers in the breeze are serendipitous, but my choice to catch them or watch them or blow them away is mine alone.
i dont think i need to be a missionary or go to church or even have a strong day-to-day talk with god to be what he wants me to be. i will always fall short, and therefore, in my apathetic 20-something brain, i'm ok with who i am. b/c if i'm not, i'm neurotic. even if i know that god thinks i'm ok, if i lose site of myself, i feel a lesser person, and ashamed and unworthy.
so, i guess what i'm saying is that i do feel guilty that i dont go to church as often as i should. and that i dont do devotions. but i sure as hell dont have to own up to anyone but god about that. and i think he's proud of me, sins and all.
i'm selfish. and frankly, i dont care b/c when i need love, i am usually given it. when i need to give love, i will never refrain from giving. and this is the simple reason why i love god so damn much.
By
dr gonzo, at 10:40 AM
Sometimes, He does speak to me, crazy as that may be.
Usually, though, He spends a lot of time closing doors and opening windows. And that's how I know.
And of course He loves you right where you are. :)
By
GetMeThrough, at 8:57 AM
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