Lost

Sometimes, I lose my path. What am I saying? I lose my path all the time. Hell, if I find a path, I'm pretty damn excited. And then I run down the path until it gets rocky, and then I say, "Hell with this; I'm going to go through that meadow." Pretty soon, I'm lost again.

I wish that faith were a state of being that you arrived at. For awhile this Christmas, I was so damn sure of myself. I was so certain that everything was going to work out all right, and I was so certain that I was going to see my faith work out for me. I was positive that I was seeing miracles.

I wish I could grip that conviction with a stronger fist so that it would last me through the rocky parts of the journey. I wish that faith was something you could get and keep rather than a process you go through for your entire life.

Last week, God and I had a chat. I was thinking about how I have everything I ever wanted when I was a teenager (well, OK, so not the penthouse appartment), and it still hadn't made me happy until I started asking God to surprise me, and then amazing things started happening (really. I can't reveal them here now, but amazing things). And God (or some other voice, which if you think about it, is probably the reason I still believe in God. There either is a God, or I'm completely insane, which may also be true) said, "And isn't it better when you trust me?"

Me: Well, I don't want to be having that "giving it all to God" nonsense again.
God: You don't have to give it all right now, just your trust.
Me: Yes, but I'm not very good at trusting.
God: (Laughing.)
Me: We've had a lot of talks about this, haven't we?
God: Yes, many.
Me: What makes you love me so much? (In my mind's eye, I saw space (suns, stars, planets, galaxies, light, explosions, expansions, wormholes, etc.))
God: I love it all.

Maybe what I get out of believing is someone to believe in me, too. And maybe God's not real, but somedays, I just need one person in the whole damn world (who doesn't think I'm crazy River Tam from Firefly) to get behind me and push. Sometimes, I just need someone who knows that it's still possible to get "there" (wherever that is) from here. I need whatever made me who I am to laugh with me about it and tell me that it's OK to be myself for four minutes a day. It's OK to burst into tears when I feel like it and to laugh when I feel like it and to do some of the things I feel like doing when I feel like doing them because every single thing I do (mistake or otherwise) is teaching me something. I need someone with omniscence backing my ass from time to time.

Maybe God's not real, but I hope He is because otherwise, I know beyond a doubt that I am never going to have that kind of a relationship in my life.