Get Me Through

Friday, November 09, 2007

Love

In the spirit of this blog, I'm about to come clean. I am crazy in love with the kindest man I've ever met. When I'm not with him, I'm sad. When we can't be together, I get lonely. When I think of what I want to do with my spare time, I think of him first. When I think of who I want to be, I want to be a better person for him. Sometimes, he even makes me want to cook. :O

"When did this happen?" you might ask. Well, I can tell you, it was the moment we saw the seahorses at the aquarium. Seahorses, you might not know, partner for life. The males have the babies, and the females and males dance together daily. They hold tails and swim together. They greet each other. They are very unusual fish. We were bored with the aquarium, but there was a special exhibit, so we wandered in. We walked up to the first tank, and the seahorses were dancing together, and he took one look and said, "They're hugging!" in the most awestruck, compassionate voice I've ever heard anybody use. Here he is, looking like a linebacker or, as some have told me, possibly a Viking, awestruck by a fish the size of his index finger. He looked at them gently, and he held them in reverence. And that was the moment I knew that I loved him more than anybody else. Any man who can be that tender towards a fish simply because they show affection for each other is a man I want to journey with.

And, oh, wonder of wonders, he loves me back. All the things that I thought made me unlovable make him smile. He thinks I'm cute, despite all evidence to the contrary. I've never had anyone accept me so completely and so without question. It doesn't seem to lessen with time, only grow stronger. He loves me more unconditionally than anyone ever has.

And he is not a Christian, and I do not care.

So then, what does this have to do with religion? I have only the vaguest idea myself. But it seems to me that if you've been searching your whole life for love (whether romantic or friendship) that doesn't cringe at your ugly spots, and you've pulled them all out (even the ones you've never shown anybody because of how they've reacted to lesser ugliness), and this one person (one person in the whole world over the course of 27 years) doesn't flinch, doesn't change towards you afterwards, doesn't talk differently or look at you differently, doesn't even bat an eye, and if that person is the most lovable person you've ever met, if you love that person more than anyone else, then doesn't that mean something?


That's reason enough to hold on and not let go, not ever, no matter what. And I'm so tired of feeling judged about it, I could just scream.

I'm not going to say that there aren't times when it would be nice to have someone who believes the same things I do regarding religion. For example, I'd like to have someone to pray with. At one point, it was on my list of deal-breakers. But he is willing to pray with me, and he goes to church with me (when I go). When I think about our future, I feel a sense of peace.

To me, in the end, it's pretty simple. Do you pitch your tent with people who have nothing but judgement for you or do you pitch it with the person who loves everything about you, even the parts that are pretty unlovable? With the people who have always held you as something of a nut or with the person you trust with your deepest secrets? With the people who lie to you or with the person who tells you all his deepest secrets (and the truth about yourself)? With the people who think you belong on the fringe or with the person who wants nothing more than to be with you. With the people who don't want to share their firelight or with the person who thinks you are the firelight? Don't you pitch your tent with the person who you want to be your best for?

Hmm, as if that's even a question.

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