In Theory

This blog was a good idea in theory, but I find that I told too many people I know about this blog, and this leaves me feeling like I can no longer be honest with myself or with the blog. Lately, I don't feel like I can be honest anywhere with anyone. I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say, anyway. I feel like I can only be honest with myself (and maybe not even then), and I spend a lot of time living in my own head away from other people.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of people and their judgements and their f-ing problems. I guess my social anxiety is getting the better of me. I had to run to the store tonight, and I realized that it's the first time I've been out alone after 9 in at least a month.

Maybe Senor or Senorita Anonymous is right. Maybe I've never known who Jesus is. God and I, we've come to terms with each other. I recognize that he's not like my dad--he's not waiting to yell at me if I get something wrong, and he recognizes that I am who I am. I don't know why, but he does. When I feel like I don't belong and that everyone is judging me (yes, you), I know that he's not. He'll definitely tell it like it is because that's how I have to hear it, but he's never cruel about it. He's often just chillin', waiting for me to come to my senses. If God's got anything, it's time...and love.

The thing that I've realized over the years is that God isn't threatened by my lack of belief or my lack of direction. He might be irritated, but he's not threatened. I'm nothing and nobody, apart from the fact that he loves me with that fathomless love that I can't begin to understand. He keeps on loving me. He knows I'm going to come around. He's seen the end of the movie, and he knows the plans he has for me. He knows I need him. He's got me right where he wants me.

Sometimes, I wonder if we each make up a God that we can understand. Or if we each see the part of God that we can best relate to. So, some of us see the side of God that is beautiful enough to have created flowers and fawns, and some of us see the side that is strong, and some of us see the side of God that is harsh, and some of us see the side of God that judges (fairly or unfairly), and some of us see the side of God that sent his only son to die in this mud pit, and some of us see the side of God that lets bad things happen to good people, and some of us see the side of God that put Jonah in the whale, and some of us see the God that is coming back for us. And some of us see the side of God that could make an earth that hums in rings.

When I try to picture God, when I try to understand how so many people can have such different views of him, I am always reminded of the fable of the blind men trying to describe an elephant. Each of them has a hold of a different part, so each of them insists the elephant is like a different thing. Sometimes, I think that we are all in the dark, claiming that God is one thing because that is the one piece we can see in our blindness. When we finally get to see him, the lights will come on. We will see "face to face." I don't think a single person is going to get there and go, "Ah, yes, this is exactly what I expected God to be like." I think we will all go, "Now I see. I can't believe I could have been so blind all this time. It all makes perfect sense now." I think it's going to be one giant "light bulb" moment when we all realize what asses we were to each other over things we didn't understand at all.

I'm not done with God. A more accurate statement would probably be that he is not done with me. I haven't been to church in a long time because I'm not doing anyone any good there, least of all myself. I'm cynical and searching and angry and frustrated and not all of it has anything to do with the church itself. And in a lot of ways, I want (and have always wanted) something that church has just never given me. I don't know what. I think I want someone to notice me or something, but not notice me in the way that people always notice other people. I've always wanted to be able to sit down with a pastor and say some of this stuff, but I know that's not possible. I wouldn't feel comfortable with sharing it, even if they were comfortable with hearing it, which I doubt. I don't know. I can't articulate what I want, so it's not likely anyone can give it to me. It's something I have to find.

And I'll be honest, I'm dating a non-Christian, and I like him better than any Christian guy I've ever met. I love him more than anyone else, even more than my family. And this means something. I'm going to find out what. And I'm not about to feel guilty about it. I don't want to have to justify myself anymore. I love him.

Right now, I've got a different part of the elephant than everyone else around me. What can I do? I know what my part is like. I also know that everybody else is probably also right about the parts they're holding on to. I know that the two are not neccessarily mutually exclusive. But I'm tired of people acting superior to me because they think they've cornered the market on what the elephant is like.

This is a rambling post, but that's what this blog is for: rough drafts. It's the notes for a bigger project. So, I'm sorry that I'm publishing the raw materials rather than the finished product, but it'll have to do for now.