Petty

Sometimes, I think I forget that, however close we might be at times, God is God. I think I try to assign Him petty behaviors when they don't really apply. So even though I stand behind what I said before as evidence of how I felt at the time, I think that I don't feel that way today.

I am in a funk. Mostly, this is probably because I feel like crap (i.e. I'm sick). I feel like everybody wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to provide it. What I wouldn't give to go to sleep right now and not wake up for a very, very long time.

Sometimes, I see what's attractive about walking away from your life. Sometimes, I see what's attractive about walking away from God. And the trouble is that I know I'm just like Jonah, and no matter how far I run, God is gonna follow me there. And it bothers me sometimes. I know it's best, and it still bothers me. Sometimes, I wish I could disappear, but the problem is that you can't disappear from God. So you're stuck.

What is life anyway. Sometimes, it just seems like an ocean constantly recycling itself and its experiences. Sometimes, I feel like one of the grains of sand: Little, insignificant, and wave tossed--worn down. Look at me while you can. One day, I'll be so small you'll have to see me with a microscope.

Enough!

Here's what I really hate about God:

Whatever you give, HE WANTS MORE! It's not just that He wants some, and then you can have a life. Oh no, you've got to give it ALL. If you give a dollar, next week, you should give $100. If you have $100, then you should give $1000. If you show up for church, next week, you should show up and be a leader. If you become a leader, then you should join a seminary and be a pastor. If you become a pastor, then you should open up your home and adopt needy children and give them a good home because there's a need, and you should fill it. As long as you've adopted the needy children here, you should move to Abudabi and preach to the needy children there. Never mind that you don't feel comfortable. Try to ignore the fact that you feel weak and insecure. Forget about the fact that you have your own people to take care of who need you and are three steps away from being out on the streets themselves. Give it all to Him anyway. Then you'll trust when you see how good it turns out, but we're not going to give you any damned assurances because then it wouldn't be faith. You should give out of faith and believe not out of proven fact.

And if you don't, He sends His peeps to tell you about it like a damned thug. And if you still don't, Bad Things happen, so be warned.

Sometimes, I ditch out on Christianity because I FEEL LIKE I'VE JOINED THE MOB. Like I can't get out without either dying and going to hell or faking my own death and going into witness protection. Like whatever I do is being WATCHED by Him and His croonies. Like whatever I do, my entire life has to be about "The Family" of God.

And if we're going to cut the bullshit and be honest about it? I HATE IT! I don't even LIKE God. I don't want to be a part of another family. I have enough family. And not only that, but I've done the do everything thing, and you know what happened? I got burned. Because the bottom line is that for me, it's all or nothing. There's no half-assed bullshit with me. There's either I do nothing, or I throw myself into it wholeheartedly. But other people? They're not like that. You think people are just going to go around helping you out of holes if you fall into one? Then clearly you haven't fallen into one lately. I've fallen into lots of holes, and now I know that the only way out is to throw my own damn rope over the top, make myself some footholds, fall on my ass a lot, and finally, if I'm lucky, get out of the damn hole and stay there for three whole days before being shoved back in by some other asshole. This is the world, kids. It isn't pretty. And it isn't leading to anything but more and more giving up of yourself. And I've spent too much time trying to live for something or someone else.

I'm not strong, and I'm not tough. I just have to be that way from time to time, so I am. And I've lost about all I'm prepared to lose in this life.