Abandoned

My best friend committed suicide when we were seventeen years old. The other night I had an epiphany about it that I can't really share with anyone, so I'll share it here. She was a sister to me, and when she died, it was like losing a sister. I loved her like my other two sisters: in that fierce, protecting, big sister kind of way that lets you kick each other one minute and clean up each other's skinned knees the next. She called my mom "Mom," and I did the same thing with her mom. We were family.

I have never let anybody else that close since. Not God. Not friends. Not family.

I have had other best friends, but they come and go. I have had religion, but it comes and goes. I have had boyfriends, but they come and go. What can't get close to me can't leave me. What can't leave me can't hurt me. If I don't depend on anyone but myself, I cannot be failed. I don't even feel it anymore when people walk out on me. There is always something to fill the hole. Someone once told me that I am a good person but not a good friend. I think that's true.

Don't get too close to me; I come and go, too.