What's So Scarey about Being Adored?
I once clipped this line out of a magazine and passed it along to a friend. I never realized until, oh, probably today that not everybody finds being adored scarey.
My church has been talking about the Song of Solomon off and on for about the last two years. At least. And I always said that I wasn't sure I wanted God thinking about me that way. Lately, I did what He told me, and good things have been coming my way. I have to admit, though, that there's a little piece of me that is looking around with one hand on the loot and the other on the door, asking suspiciously, "What do you want?"
My friend tells me that I have to get over this not wanting to be loved by the all loving God. I say that it isn't just God that I'm afraid of these days.
The truth is that letting God love you is even scarier than letting other people love you, which is scarey enough. As soon as you let somebody love you, then you also have to love them. This applies to any kind of love--romantic or otherwise. Sooner or later, those people depend on you, but even worse, you depend on them. Then you find out that you need each other. What happens if they turn out not to need you as much as you need them? Then you get left by the side of the road.
The truth is that I have always resented God's love. How dare He? I never asked Him to love me. Furthermore, I resent it when guys start to love me more than I love them. I hate it when they want to spend every evening around me, and I hate hate hate it when they want a committment before I'm ready. I like my freedom. Anytime my friends want more information or time or attention than I'm ready to give, I become highly suspicious and agitated. I am a terrible person to love.
And the truth is that you are never completely free once you love someone and someone loves you. You might be able to pretend you are, but you aren't. They begin to want you to change, and you begin to want to change for them and they begin to change for you, and suddenly who you were is just gone. And what happens when that person stops loving you? What happens if they leave you?
I think that's what I worry about with God. He will always want a little more from me, and when He gets it, He will want a little more again. And what happens if He decides that I'm not giving all that He wants? What happens when He gets tired of me and leaves? Then do I go to Hell?
The problem with all of this is, of course, my heart (like usual). My heart doesn't want to be alone. My heart enjoys other people and wants to open up to them. My heart believes that God is loving and wants to give me good things.
Yet, the rest of me is terribly, terribly afraid of being adored.
My church has been talking about the Song of Solomon off and on for about the last two years. At least. And I always said that I wasn't sure I wanted God thinking about me that way. Lately, I did what He told me, and good things have been coming my way. I have to admit, though, that there's a little piece of me that is looking around with one hand on the loot and the other on the door, asking suspiciously, "What do you want?"
My friend tells me that I have to get over this not wanting to be loved by the all loving God. I say that it isn't just God that I'm afraid of these days.
The truth is that letting God love you is even scarier than letting other people love you, which is scarey enough. As soon as you let somebody love you, then you also have to love them. This applies to any kind of love--romantic or otherwise. Sooner or later, those people depend on you, but even worse, you depend on them. Then you find out that you need each other. What happens if they turn out not to need you as much as you need them? Then you get left by the side of the road.
The truth is that I have always resented God's love. How dare He? I never asked Him to love me. Furthermore, I resent it when guys start to love me more than I love them. I hate it when they want to spend every evening around me, and I hate hate hate it when they want a committment before I'm ready. I like my freedom. Anytime my friends want more information or time or attention than I'm ready to give, I become highly suspicious and agitated. I am a terrible person to love.
And the truth is that you are never completely free once you love someone and someone loves you. You might be able to pretend you are, but you aren't. They begin to want you to change, and you begin to want to change for them and they begin to change for you, and suddenly who you were is just gone. And what happens when that person stops loving you? What happens if they leave you?
I think that's what I worry about with God. He will always want a little more from me, and when He gets it, He will want a little more again. And what happens if He decides that I'm not giving all that He wants? What happens when He gets tired of me and leaves? Then do I go to Hell?
The problem with all of this is, of course, my heart (like usual). My heart doesn't want to be alone. My heart enjoys other people and wants to open up to them. My heart believes that God is loving and wants to give me good things.
Yet, the rest of me is terribly, terribly afraid of being adored.
posted by GetMeThrough at
3:43 PM
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