Get Me Through

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I'm Tired of It All

This entry is not going to be funny. In fact, it's going to be a downright whine-fest. This is because I am terribly tired. I can't imagine why because after my four hours of sleep last night, I should be fresh as a daisy, right?

I'm exhausted. Mostly this is because I was up late, but also, my soul is exhausted. I was up late because I was feeling blue, and I never sleep well when I'm down. This is pretty much going to be an entry about all the things that truly exhaust me.

I'm tired of being weird, and I'm tired of people thinking I'm nuts, and I'm really sick to death tired of being made fun of. I spent a lot of my weekend working, but even when I wasn't working, I stayed inside. It was hot, and I just couldn't face anybody. I faced a bottle of wine instead. It was lovely, and you know what else? It didn't want me to talk. And it didn't make fun of me when I did talk, either. And I'm tired of feeling like I can't say this. I'm tired of avoiding things and people I really do enjoy just because I'm tired.

I'm tired of the expectations people have for me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm tired of talking just to fill the empty space because no one else can come up with anything to say. I'm tired of being mocked because of the crap I come up with to fill the empty space. I'm tired of being fat, and I'm tired of dieting. I'm tired of people telling me that I'm doing something good by flirting with my old bad habits with dieting. I'm tired of people wanting to be my friend so long as I don't say any of this when I'm filling the empty space that they won't fill.

I'm tired of having a messy house. I'm tired of filling every spare second, but I'm tired of having whole empty evenings, too, that have to be devoted to cleaning or working. I'm tired of having to figure out other people's problems and give them solutions. I'm tired of having to think for people. I'm tired of having to think about what other people probably want every f-ing time I'm trying to make a goddamned decision. I'm tired of vegetables that go bad three days after you buy them. I'm tired of the city. I'm tired of the heat. I'm tired of hearing my neighbors. I'm tired of worrying about them hearing me.

I'm tired of the Bible and its promises and its threats. I'm tired of being bossed around. I'm tired of doing nice things. I'm tired of doing the right thing. I'm tired of feeling like a decision is anything more than that. I'm tired of feeling like good and evil hang in the balance of every single thing that happens in this f-ing world. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have a home or anything worth keeping. I'm tired of trying all the things that are supposed to help and still coming up empty handed. I'm tired of people telling me to try again. I'm tired of wanting a hug. I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of missing the people that I've lost. I'm tired of having to explain this to the people I still have.

And I don't see what God has to do with it at all, other than being the jerk who made it all up.