Get Me Through

Friday, February 23, 2007

Destination?

"'Where are you going, and what do you wish?' the old moon asked the three.
“We’ve come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea. Nets of silver and gold have we,’ said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod."

Earlier this week, someone said something wise to me. She said that I should be looking for someplace that fits me rather than trying to make myself fit into what I think I can get.

I have spent a lifetime making myself fit into the spaces other people have made for me. I didn't choose a college based on what I liked best; I chose a college based on what would give me the best financial aid package. I am currently at a second college I don't particularly like for money reasons as well. I have been trying to pursue a degree because I "can do it" even though I have no particular interest in doing it because I can make it fit. It doesn't fit, but that's OK. I can get by on a career that is too boring for me. And that is the bottom line. I have been chasing money and status because it is what my parents have always wanted for me. I have been chasing religion because it is what God wants from me. I have been chasing relationships because it is what people expect of me. I have been coveting power because it is what the world wants from me. I need to start asking myself what I want from me.

The trouble, though, is that what I want changes so much it's hard to rely on that. I want so many things, most of which are not practical. And I have to ask myself, as always, what if I don't fit anywhere? I'm weird and multi-faceted. Some of them contradict themselves, for crying out loud. I may not belong at all.

A friend talked to me this week about my tendency to compartmentalize my life. When I'm with certain people, I act one way, and when I am with other people, I act another way. I have a certain set of activities that I do with one group vs. another group. I only reveal certain aspects of my personality to people who I know will accept them.

At one point in college, I realized that every single decision I made was based on other people--what other people wanted, what other people would think, what would make other people happy. I decided to stop doing that. Some days I'm better at it than others. Some days it probably makes me more selfish than I should be. Some days, I think I need to work harder at it because it is the one realization that is going to make me most free.

I don't know where I want to go; that has always been the problem. I'll say it; I'm blessed. I can do anything I put my mind to, even calculus (even though I'm bad at it and hate it). The roads open to me are many, and I hesitate to close the door on any path because I do not know where any of the paths are going. Sometimes, Robert Frost's poem haunts me because I know just what he means about not being able to choose a road and that the road you do take makes all the difference.

“Where are you going and what do you wish?” is the question the moon poses in the nursery rhyme. And the three in the wooden shoe know instantly what they want: Herring. If you carry the metaphor to the end, they want to catch dreams. I have seen many dreams, and I want to cast my net and catch them all. But sometimes, I worry that I am just sailing in a wooden shoe while talking to the moon and casting out a net for herring, which is a fish I never liked anyway. Sometimes, I worry that the destination that will make me happy will not make me satisfied. Sometimes, I worry that happiness will not pay the bills. Sometimes, I worry that I am simply weird and nothing more.

This afternoon, I was re-filling the candy bowl at work, and as I dumped out an entire bag of silver wrapped hugs and kisses, one lone mint green wrapped kiss tumbled out onto the very top of the pile.

Sometimes, God just makes me laugh.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Let Go

That was the message on the way home today.